SORRY

Yeah... Sorry about the lack of updates recently... I just haven't been gaming much recently. That's about it. Expect one up this weekend.

SixString on Assassins Creed: Brotherhood

   This week I found out exactly how much of a twisted person I was. I got Assassins Creed Brotherhood for Christmas and haven’t been able to put it down. Stupid superglue… Anyway onto the review.

   Assassins Creed centres on the assassin Desmond Miles and his ancestors. Desmond was brought into Abstergo, the staple evil corporation, to relive his ancestor’s memories to find pieces of Eden which somehow allow the holders supreme control over the world and all who dwell in it. If you’re confused don’t worry because Desmond’s story takes a back seat in the series anyway. The real story comes in his ancestors memories.

   Now I’m not sure how much of Brotherhoods story to reveal without giving spoilers, so I’ll leave you with this. IT DOESN’T MATTER.  Really the story, much like all Assassins Creed games before it, is sound but about as gripping as polished ice. Basically this time around it’s about revenge and retrieval and that’s all I’ll give away. The real entertainment lies in the gameplay anyway.

   Ah, the gameplay. First off let me say that there are so many things to do in this game. I got to memory sequence 4 and the map I had was full to the point of having to zoom right in to see individual icons. Everywhere there were assassination contracts, faction missions, shops to renovate, landmarks to buy and recruits to, well, recruit. I spent hours just levelling up recruits to assassin level and setting them loose on guards. This brings me to the first important change in Brotherhood. For the first time you can go out and recruit citizens to your brotherhood, level them up and use them to kill guards, either in battle or sneakily. Once you get enough recruits you can even use a special manoeuvre to annihilate all guards in the area. Take note other developers. This is what fun is.

   This isn’t the only fun to be had however. You probably saw my opening sentence, about being twisted. Yeah, funniest thing I discovered I could do in Assassins Creed 2 and you can still do in Brotherhood is to poison a person to make them randomly start attacking and then throw money near them to get people to run towards him. That’s not even the most twisted part. The very next thought to go through my head was, “I wonder what happens if the poisoned person has a blade?” So I tried it on a guard. It was hilarious, although for some strange reason, despite being hit repeatedly by a long sharp sword they were only winded. Apparently you can only be killed by a sword if you actually own one.

   And, of course, there is still the option to just hunt guards, though this isn’t as much of a challenge as it was in AC1. However, the many, many, many, many, more methods you have to do it counteract this.  Stealth plays a large part in Brotherhood too, more so than in AC2. This is mostly because in order to get 100% synchronisation there are certain missions where you must not be detected, which leads to many interesting learning curves. The first being THE FREAKING DETECTION METER IS BROKEN AS HELL! Seriously, while it doesn’t affect gameplay that much overall, it’s ridiculously annoying to get used to carefully using the detection meter to lure guards over only to discover that it has suddenly thought, “I know what would be funny; have the guards attack on sight.” To be fair if it wanted a reaction it was not disappointed. Stupid controllers and their remarkably un-unbreakable plastic.

   Another lesson the game drills into your brain with the vigour of Ron Jeremy is that the joystick will screw you over. Hard. Revolting mental image aside, Ezio has the attention span of a small child… With ADHD. He will run up the same wall three or four times, despite the fact that it’s clear you don’t want to go up there and then, after getting where you want to be, he will jump into space and he will die with his shin bones firmly inside his own rectum.

   A new and, in my opinion, brilliant addition to Brotherhood is the Virtual Reality Training Mode. Basically it gives you a few maps, in Mirrors Edge style grey and red (without the green) and sets you tasks and a time in which to do them. You get medals for how fast you do them and by completing them all with at least a bronze medal you can earn a new costume for Ezio. Fortunately, bronze medals are easily attainable by even the most cognitively challenged lobotomised monkey. There are four categories of challenges; Stealth Assassination, Free-run, Locate, and Combat. The first two are self-explanatory, Locate has you finding flags and Combat has you getting kill-streaks. Overall it’s a pretty fun diversion that actually, and pay attention again developers, HAS A REWARD. I spent hours perfecting my times and reflexes. The weird thing is that it actually does transfer to your gameplay skills. I assumed it would be like Practise mode in FIFA but it really helped me with my kill-streak timings.

   Finally, the single most fun that can be had on any game ever (apart from Borderlands :P) /drumroll/ the free-running. Yes, there’s no better feeling than soaring over the heads of your enemies knowing that they had no clue you were ever there, or stealing treasure from under their noses. It’s a real feeling of power and makes you feel like a bad-ass without overpowering you (ahemPROTOTYPEahem).

   As you play you’ll definitely notice that the graphics have been touched up and the sprawling city of Rome has a huge draw distance, allowing you to see the city in all its splendour… Before tumbling to your death because the ****ING JOYSTICK HATES YOU. Ahem, sorry, last time I mention that I swear. There are still the usual little things that, while not really obvious, aren’t exactly subtle either. Ezio’s cape going through his body, guards randomly disappearing and problems with some of the skins were the most prominent problems I noticed. However they don’t affect my opinion of the graphics much at all especially because, and you can try this too, when I put my disc in the tray and start the game, I look over Rome and realise I get all this with no slowdown. At all. Ever.

   Of course the things that really matter though are the little things. It’s the feathers from the pigeon coops falling majestically through the sky, the enemies that actually block your attacks in a realistic way, angering the citizens and climbing on to a box to notice that one of them appears to be vigorously fisting your bottom. Yes it’s the little things that really make this game great.

   MULTIPLAYER! You’ve probably heard by now that the newest instalment to the AC series has the fabled multiplayer mode. It was advertised heavily as a massive part of the game and totally not an afterthought at all. It’s actually… pretty good. It certainly wasn’t rushed and feels just as smooth as single-player. You pick a skin to play as, for example the barber, and then you play one of literally, take a seat for this, a few modes. My favourite was Wanted, basically a cat and mouse game where you are assigned an assassination contract and can have a contract placed on your head too. It leads to a nice layer of thrills while stalking someone and hoping they don’t recognise you topped with the sweet taste of fear that you too could be killed at any time. Of course there remain the idiots who think running around on rooftops is stealthy who can ruin the game for everyone if they aren’t dealt with but overall it’s a good experience.

   Overall, Brotherhood is a brilliant game to get if you’re a fan of the series, it will provide hours of fun doing exactly what you have loved doing since AC1. If you’re new to the series, prepare for an interesting experience learning the controls the tutorial tried and failed to teach, followed by the same fun as seasoned veterans.

SixString on Call of Duty: Black Ops

   Hi guys it’s Zach ‘SixString’ Sivell here and, yes, it’s that time of year again. Time for Activision/Treyarch to cash in on the Call of Duty franchise just before Christmas arrives. Say what you like about it (and believe me, I will) they have a good idea of how to make money. The newest title is, for those of you living under a rock in Mars with your fingers in your ears, Call of Duty: Black Ops. A rather titillating title if nothing else because, as some of you will know, I am a massive fan of stealth, especially if it is done well. Unfortunately, this game doesn’t even try to give you stealth, let alone do it well. So… yeah; a title well-chosen there Treyarch, thumbs up for the effort, ruffles hair.

   The truth is that Call of Duty: Black Ops appears to be no different from any other COD game out there apart from the time period and this time Treyarch have finally managed to shuffle absent mindedly out from the shadow of the Second World War. This seems a little strange to me as World War 2 was undoubtedly the last war in which America were definitively the out-and-out ‘heroes’ instead of forcefully invading a country and slowly draining their resources until they’re forced to resort to eating each other to stay alive but whatever floats your boat Treyarch.

   In all honesty I’m glad they moved on from World War 2 because, and I know it’s been said a million times before by people older and wiser than me, it has been done to death. And then had its grave danced on by several marauding games companies eager to jump on the extremely profitable bandwagon. It might also be that games, the Call of Duty series in particular, have to stay fresh in order to sell… apparently; personally I believe Call of Duty would sell even if they had decided that you were now a soldier in the Chicken Armed Forces of the Egg Kingdom as long as you could shoot your fellow man/chicken in the face.

Oorah.

   Now, onto the actual gameplay. It’s basically the same as every other Call of Duty ever released and… this is actually a good thing, because it works very, very well. Much as I hate to admit it, Activision and Treyarch have perfected the art of creating the best control system for a shooter. Nothing to complain about here other than the previous point; IT’S ALL THE SAME.

   Now, the first thing I noticed in the game, much to my amusement, is the AI. It’s not bad, oh no, far from it. It’s absolutely bleeping brilliant. In fact, you can get through the entire first level without firing a single shot. This isn’t even on lower difficulties; I tried this on Hardened mode and still managed it. Veteran is more difficult but come on; this is without even firing my gun. It gives the distinct impression that you are just an insignificant piece of cannon fodder. Maybe this was the idea but somehow I don’t think so. Still, it’s extremely funny to watch your teammates charge into battle and actually come out on top instead of running back to you with their tails between their legs and a pleading look in their eyes.

   The story isn’t actually that bad either. In fact it might be the best offering Call of Duty has ever procured for our jaded minds. Or, rather, it would be if it didn’t jump around more than a rabbit on a moon bounce. I understand the need for it but… seriously? It could have been implemented better. Not a lot I can say really. Basically you assume the roles of several different members of various Special Forces and carry out CIA backed missions. That’s about all I care to say on the subject. It’s fresh but somehow vaguely familiar, oh wait, yeah, that’s because it’s COD. Can’t change much, wouldn’t want the fans to get their hands on something too original. Might give them the idea that we’ll do it on every COD.

   Moving on, you’ll be glad to know that Nazi Zombies has made it’s triumphant return to the COD series after a poor decision to leave it out of Modern Warfare 2. It is back under the new name, ‘Zombies’; presumably because it would have required a plot device thin enough to split the atom to get us back to Nazi era. What’s that? Kino Der Toten is back? Oh… well forget what I said then. But I kid. Zombies is back and fun as ever especially with, and I use this term as loosely as possible, friends. I say that because having three prepubescent males squeak about the various ways I was messing up their game doesn’t come across as particularly friendly to me. A favourite map of mine involves former President Richard Nixon, current President John F Kennedy, Fidel Castro and Robert McNamara fighting off the zombie horde with resounding cries of “Ahrooo” and “Your President needs slugs.” Is it me or does President Kennedy sound distinctly Mayor Quimby-ish? Meh, I could go on forever about zombies alone but I can’t. Mostly because I don’t have the patience and partly because I’m using hyperbole.

18 minutes? I mean, no Mr Frost, I earned all I have. Ahroo.

   Umm, what else needs to be mentioned? Ah yes, the multiplayer. Sigh. This is the gameplay comment all over again. It’s almost exactly the same but with various new embellishments which seem to be distinctly Halo: Reach-esque. Confused? Let me explain. The new COD points system is very similar to the credits system in Halo: Reach. Now, yes, I realise that this system would have been in place before Reach was released but Reach was released first, so the COD points system must play second fiddle and live with it. In fact the only difference I can spot between the two systems is that COD points don’t directly correspond to the experience you receive to level up. Of course there is the standard repertoire of new shiny guns that come with every new COD game but this has become so common now as to render the guns only mildly quaint, something to be taken in ones stride. The same applies to the new killstreaks. That’s literally about all I can say on the subject of multiplayer – OH WAIT! Ha ha, the online community. Yes, the faint air of hostility that seems to follow me from game to game has apparently managed to follow me across games once again. It seems to be almost inevitable now that I will be told by complete strangers that I am a noob and that I am a homosexual. One particular young soldier felt it his patriotic duty to serenade me with the various forms of sexual encounters he had had with my various family members. Feeling that this was clearly a chance for me to match wits with a worthy opponent, I told him that I had no other relatives because they were all dead and I was alone in the world. He was silent for a few moments then left the game. I had felled my adversary and so I gave a triumphant manly giggle. Yes, I am a terrible person, so sue me.

   Honestly, I don’t know why I’m reviewing this game because those of you that know about it know whether you’re going to get it or not and those of you that don’t know about it don’t exist so, for what it’s worth, here’s my two cents. Call of Duty: Black Ops is a wonderful example of what had been achieved three years ago when Call of Duty 4 was released. It is basically just another yearly cash-in so, if you like more of the same and want an online community that is full of people who blindly buy games because they’re there then by all means get this game. If, however, you want a game that shows originality and flair then for the love of god stay the hell away from COD 7. Get a game like Mass Effect or Shadow of the Colossus. 

Christmas is nearly here!

   Only one day of school left then we break for the Christmas holidays. One word: Epic. Our teachers have really helped us settle in to the holiday spirit by setting us homework to do over the Christmas period. Yeah... Thanks guys. Not much to say really except maybe I'll get an early start so I can spend the whole week after Christmas rocking out on my new 60W amp. It's gonna be sweet!

   Another short one today, just because I have nothing to talk about on the undoubtedly fulfilling and interesting life I lead. See you tomorrow.

Chapter One: Voices of Violence

   “This is going to be awesome,” Isabelle said; the joy and anticipation clear on her face. She had been waiting for this gig for months and was now so pumped she could barely stand still.

   Alex rolled his eyes. He liked the band, sure, but getting so excited over one metal band didn’t seem reasonable to him, he had only tagged along because Isabelle had begged him to come.

   “Yeah, it’s gonna be sweet,” he replied, if only to placate her. She could be so excitable. Like a small child in a sweet shop… that sells toys… and puppies… and was made of unicorns. He smiled inwardly at his own thoughts before being dragged a few feet along the pavement as the line inched ever closer to their eventual destination. Isabelle frantically tried to look over the heads of the people in front to see how far they were from the entrance; difficult for her tiny five foot two frame. After a while of watching her jump up and down like a rabbit on a moon bounce Alex took pity on her and, with minimal effort, peered to the front of the queue.

   “We’re about ten people from the front,” he told her, “So by my calculations, about three hours from getting in.”

   She scowled at him, “Stop being such a nitwit. It won’t take that long and – what are you laughing at?”

   Alex chuckled, “Nitwit? Where did that come from? The 1960’s called, they want their word back.”

   She looked puzzled for a second, then burst out laughing, “It’s from a cartoon I watched with my kid brother once that made its way into my regular watching material. You like?”

   Letting loose one last snort of laughter, he conceded, “Yeah, it’s brilliant.”

   “I knew it,” she said, smugly.

   A few moments of silence went by and, being the socially inept misanthrope he was, Alex let the conversation die. He didn’t mind. It gave him time to think, as he liked to do from time to time. He looked to the sky, contemplating the likelihood of more storms. It seemed like a sure thing. Dark clouds were regrouping and, if he strained, he could just about hear a low roar of thunder over the noise of the many people in the plaza. It had been storming a lot lately; Alex couldn’t help but think it all seemed a bit foreboding. He didn’t have time to dwell on it as Isabelle pulled him impatiently by the wrist over to the bouncer. Apparently either the line had moved very fast or he had become enthralled by his own thoughts again.

   “Can I see your ticket please, sir?” He sounded bored, like he hadn’t had any action all night. He probably hadn’t, most of the teenagers going to the gig were so doped up they didn’t know where they were. The bouncers were more than happy to let them in as long as they didn’t cause trouble, which they rarely did. How could the most naturally lazy being in existence bar the sloth cause trouble when he or she was higher than Apollo 11?

Alex casually held up his and Isabelle’s tickets, and the bouncer let them pass.

“Have a nice night, sir,” he said in an almost mechanical tone, “and I won’t have to bash your head in.”

   Alex was a little taken aback by this, but it soon faded into amusement as he realised that the bouncer had to do something different or risk the loss of his sanity.

   Isabelle clearly hadn’t gleaned this as she nudged him and said, “What was that about? Does he think we might cause trouble?”

   Alex told her not to worry about it and led her into the main lobby. They left their coats with a rather huffy-looking receptionist who snatched their garments from them and thrust their ticket into Alex’s chest. Alex raised his eyebrows at her and got an evil look for his trouble. He pulled a mock affronted pose before flipping her off and walking into the hall the gig was in. Stage 2; he thought they would be playing the Main Stage but what could he do?

   It was excruciatingly hot in the hall but Alex wasn’t bothered, and Isabelle certainly didn’t mind. She had already started making her way into the mosh pits. They had arrived a little late so the band was already in full swing; bathing the room in a swirling mass of heavy bass lines and screaming guitars with the overdrive turned up so far it would have embarrassed Slayer. Still, with a name like Voices of Violence what did he expect?

   The hall had apparently been cleaned since Alex’s last visit; a rather pointless endeavour, he thought. Metal, mosh pits and plastic cups does not a clean floor make. He decided he had better follow after Isabelle to make sure she wasn’t hurting anyone. He cracked his knuckles, shook himself down and charged headfirst into the crowd of fans. Pushing, shoving and, in one case, punching his way to the middle he inevitably found Isabelle jumping around and waving her arms around frantically. She didn’t come for the music; she came because it was a good place to get away with starting fights.

   His eyes widened in genuine fear when she grabbed him by the arm and threw him into the spikily clad fans of Voices of Violence. He stood out like a sore thumb as the only wearer of tight yellow jeans and a shirt that had an actual colour on it; Isabelle wasn’t much better, although he reasoned that she did it to make him feel less likely to be beaten up. Although it seemed that particular landmine was about to be thoroughly stepped on he thought, as he flew face first into a burly male. Luckily, it seemed that Alex had about as much impact as a small fruit fly. He was relieved; he’d grown quite attached to his nose over the years and decided it looked much better unbroken.

   He scrambled out of the pit as fast as he could physically move and snarled viciously at Isabelle, who smiled sweetly back at him. All was forgiven. He loved that smile, he always had. There was just something about it that made it too adorable to be angry at. He loathed himself for being so easily swayed, but that passed when he realised that she had ran into the pit again and jumped on the burly male Alex had fallen into. She could take care of herself, he thought, wading through the crowds to what he hoped was the exit. He needed a couple of minutes to regroup.

   It was quiet outside. The stage areas were surprisingly soundproof. About a dozen scary looking teens were either smoking or just about to by the railings. Alex manoeuvred around them as best he could, apologising when he couldn’t, and leaned on the grimy bars. They were icy to the touch. He looked up at the building. It was a nice place on the outside, with the exception of the filthy railings. It was a shame how badly it was treated on the inside. There was a giant neon sign with the centres name on it and the bricks were painted in a thousand shades of every colour known to man. All in all, it was a very good looking building. As he looked up at it, he couldn’t help but notice that the sky looked blacker than it ever had been before. He shuddered as he remembered the dreams he’d been having recently. Dreams of … things … rising from the ground. Horrible creatures of enormous power, decimating everything in their way until there was nothing left. He put the image out of his mind.

   Just as he was beginning to relax after dismissing the thought, several drunken and inevitably high college students burst out of the doors. Hearing many loud cheers at the vomiting prowess of intoxicated students was certainly not the way Alex had envisioned regrouping his scattered senses. He thought about it quickly, and then hurried back inside the building to find the way onto the roof.

   He jogged up the steps two at a time, eager to be away from the noise again. He opened the door to the rooftop and was a little more than shocked when he saw what was there.

Isabelle was standing over a creature that looked just like the things he had seen in his dreams.

   

Johnny Vegas

So I've been thinking a lot about Johnny Vegas today. Probably due to having nothing to do but watch reruns of QI on Dave. Just a thought; nothing he says would be funny coming out of any other comedian alive today. He just has that kind of voice that makes everything funny. I'm just laughing at the emotion he puts into even the smallest joke.

Yeah, kind of a short update today. CHAPTER ONE IS UP TOMORROW FEEDBACK PL0X!

Revelations

So it occurred to me that I should probably make this blog a little more bloggy. You know, news about me and how life's going at the moment. Hmm. Funfunfun. Nah, it'll give me something to do other than trawling The Escapist and Questionable Content for new comics and articles. Good god, I need to get out more. On the plus side, I've been very busy lately in between coursework - speech writing tedium is tedious - and trying desperately to find a good way to open my new book. Well, I say new; 'first' would probably be a better description. Nonetheless I think I've hit my stride and the first chapter should be out by Wednesday if not before. YAY. *Ahem*

Totally me in 30 years... GAAAH!

   On a different note, I might be breaching the world of film reviews sometime in the near future. Preferably when I have a job and can afford to go out and watch movies regularly. Until, expect film reviews to be very sparse. Still, I need some practise if I'm going to be submitting these reviews to magazines and the like. Wish me luck with that :) Urgh, did I really just use a smiley face? I sicken myself. Hmm, I could just go back and delete it. Nah, too much effort. Anyway, that's all for now. Check out my Mass Effect 2 review; I think it's my best work to date.

SixString on Mass Effect 2

   The first Mass Effect was really like a massive brick to the face for me. Before I played it I had been a firm believer that shooters and RPG’s should stay the hell away from each other. I originally bought this second hand for next to nothing as something to play in between the generic shooter I was playing at the time and the latest offering by Square-Enix. So you can imagine my surprise when Mass Effect turned out to be... good, wonderful in fact. The classic sci-fi leanings and very accessible story and gameplay made it a joy to play through. Mass Effect 2 takes this game and improves it in almost every way. Why only almost? Read on, good buddy, and find out.

Oh boy! The misanthropic asshole gave us a try! Whoo-pee-fuckin-do

   Okay, story I’m real happy for you and imma let you finish, but the gameplay is the first thing to discuss every time. Mass Effect 2 has better combat by far than ME1, it feels much more streamlined and has a great flow. Playing through ME2 you definitely notice the difference. Of course, ever the cynic, I have one massive problem with the streamlining. I loved the levelling system in ME1, I loved earning squad points and being able to spend hours (collectively, not every level) choosing where to assign them. Should I increase my skill with sniper rifles, or should I improve my charm? Shotguns or SMG’s? It was a very engaging system, and to replace it was, in my most humble opinion, blasphemous. Same with the weapons and armours. It was very gratifying to come back from a mission to find several new guns, each bigger and better than the last. This has all been done away with and been replaced with a much less interesting process, in my – no wait, this is very important, IN MY OPINION.  Yes, hmmm, anyway, ah yes, a much less interesting system and very limited amount of weapons and armours. I can see the logic behind it. The old method was very clumsy and cumbersome but that was what I liked about it. Redundant point aside, even this (rather big) problem with the game wasn’t enough to deter me. Moving on.

   The combat in ME2 feels a lot better, it had to really, being as you’ll be doing a lot more of it. It feels (and this is one of the benefits of the overall streamlining) much more fast paced and smooth. Changing weapon can still feel as clunky as it did before but the actual dispatching of enemies is a lot more fun. The only reason for this that I can deduce is that your weapons feel a lot more powerful. This is sort of contradicting my previous point, I know, but ... shut up. When you make a mech’s head explode, or freeze an enemy then blow it up with a grenade you can feel it through the controller, and that is fantastic, even if Bioware was slower on the uptake than Johnny Bravo.

   I’m going to play the streamlined card again with the gameplay outside of combat too. You see, Bioware has most certainly listened to the complaints put to them by players of ME1. Gone are the hours and hours of tedious Mako driving only to find yet more generic compounds full of geth throwing themselves at you like lambs to the slaughter and – and... actually, that was kind of fun. The point is gone are the tedious hours of Mako driving. There are still enemies throwing themselves at you like lambs to the slaughter but this time some of them are actually, you guessed it, wolves in lambs clothing. Enemies are smarter than the previous instalment, taking cover more than usual (unless you’re at close range, in which case they seem to think “Meh, nuts to this, CHARGE!”) which forces you to think more tactically, especially at higher difficulties. Hmmm, I’m slipping into combat again aren’t I? Okay, that was the last time I’ll mention it, I promise.

Yeah, I think this encapsulates my opinion perfectly.

   Of course, taking out the only way of exploring planets meant that another one had to be brought in, or risk not meeting the tedium quota that comes standard with every RPG; I’m not bashing it, that’s just how it is. That or immersion... Yeah, probably the immersion thing. Anyway, the new way of ‘exploring’ planets is Planet Scanning. The basic idea is that you can scan the surface of a planet from the Normandy and fire probes down to gather resources that you can use for upgrades. T sounds much better than the old system on paper and for the most part it is both faster and easier than the old method. Its main problem is the execution. Much like chopping at wood with a blunt axe, I think that Bioware are going to have to take multiple swings at this before getting it right. Planet scanning isn’t as bad as the Mako driving but it is by no means great or even good. You drag a reticule across the surface of a planet, occasionally firing a probe when the scanner says there are some units of various resources. Yeah... riveting. It’s not enough to mar the overall experience however, as you’ll find out.

   The story is as engaging, if not more so, than ME1 because, and I’m going to play the streamlined card just once more I swear, it flows a lot faster due to the mission system being a lot more streamlined. Going from mission to mission doesn’t feel as disjointed as it did in ME1 due to missions, both main and side, feeling interlinked and actually helping you with your main goal. One massive commendation for this game is the characters; the voice actors did a wonderful job, save a few select exceptions that are so funny that I’m not sure if they were accidents. Some of my favourite parts of the game came from interactions between my squad and various citizens I met on my mission. Particularly fun times came from Archangel and Grunt, along with every salarian in the game. Also worthy of a mention are the various conversations between NPC’s that you can overhear. One of my favourites being between two Krogans on Citadel and the conversation between the Normandy’s engineers after you visit them for the first time. Little things like that really draw you into the game and make it very immersive. Other things that draw you in like that do-dad on an angler fish are the messages you receive from people you helped (or hindered) detailing their thanks that actually made me think, “Aw, isn’t that sweet. They took the time.” Until I realised it was a game and punched myself in the face for talking to the screen again.

Most. Epic. Photoshop. Evar.

   So yeah, I could go on for hours, well, pages, talking about this game and I would have liked to spend more time ripping on it but, unfortunately I couldn’t. This game is spectacular, not perfect by any means, I made that point clear, but sufficiently great to allow free passage through the Keyboard of Death. This is a wonderful game. Get it. It’s dirt cheap now and is exceedingly fun to play even if you haven’t played through ME1, although if you haven’t played that... what is wrong with you. Go and get that too. Now.

SixString - Prologue: The Freelancer

   It was a stormy night when Darius came. Rain fell in torrents and lightning lit up the city. It was unfortunate, Jack thought, he had hoped to avoid that particular cliché. Still, one can’t get hung up on such things, he thought. He had been standing outside on the edge of his building, the tallest tower in the city, enjoying the rain and watching traffic move slowly and regularly below, like the gears of a well-oiled machine. He was, in fact, nearly mesmerised; a bad mistake in his profession, it almost cost him his life before. Jack watched him enter the main lobby of his tower and he started counting. He looked directly ahead. Inside his head there was nothing but the steady increase of seconds. It would take him only sixty seconds to get to the top of the building. Ten seconds left. Nine…Eight…

   One… He whipped around and flung a long, ornate dagger towards the elevator doors. The doors opened and the Darius’s eyes shot open. He dove backwards, hitting the far wall of the elevator while the knife buried itself exactly where his heart would have been. He hastily got to his feet and pressed the ‘hold’ button. He pulled the dagger out of the wall in which it had impaled itself and walked out into the rain, opening an umbrella Jack hadn’t previously noticed. This displeased him. He liked to know what his ‘guests’ had on them at all times and prided himself on knowing if they were hiding something even if they were a great distance away. How did he hide it so well?

   Darius strolled over to Jack, his coat thrashing around in the wind behind him. He handed Jack his knife, “Hello to you too, old friend.”

   Jack took the blade and holstered it, “You’re getting slow, Darius. There was a time when you could have caught that blade in your teeth. And please don’t call me friend. Maybe you don’t agree but, personally, I don’t believe burying a knife in someone’s back and leaving them for the demons is synonymous with friendship.”

   Darius smirked, “Oh please, Jack. Don’t insult me. You and I both know you could have killed all of them with your eyes closed and your hands behind your back. I couldn’t let our client get suspicious now, could I?”

   Jack gave him an evil look and turned away to face the city once more. “Nonetheless, I can’t help but suspect you’re not here for a bit of friendly catching up.”

   Darius grinned, “Ever observant, aren’t we, Jack? Yes, to be blunt, I need you for a big job. You up for it? There’s a big cash payment for getting it done right; in the way only you can.”

   Jack sighed, “Whatever. It’s not like I have a choice, is it? Why don’t we just cut the bull and admit I work for you. This isn’t a request; it’s an order.”

   Darius stepped back and covered his mouth in mock surprise, “Why, Jack, you are a freelancer. Of course you don’t have to do this for me.”

   “I gave up my freelancing days the minute I took that first mission from you and you know it. Where am I meeting you to discuss the job?”

   “I knew you’d see it my way. Let’s say the Hunter Monument, at six?”

  With that, and without waiting for an answer, Darius walked casually away, leaving Jack to ponder just what he’d been pulled into.

   “Well,” he said, “it could be worse. He could have been coming to finish the job.”

   He fondled the handle of the long, ornate dagger that Darius had plunged into him during their last meeting.

SixString on Devil May Cry 3

   Now I’m going to start by saying that I very much enjoyed replaying Devil May Cry 3. It evoked all kinds of nostalgia (being that it was the first game I ever played on PS2) and kickassery. Therefore this review probably won’t be as scathing as others I’ve done. This could turn out very good or very bad. So, uh, let’s go.

   Firstly, let’s talk about the first thing everybody notices before anything else; the gameplay. The gameplay in Devil May Cry 3 is vastly better than in any previous (or future) DMC game in that it takes everything that made DMC1 great and improves on it while simultaneously erasing everything that was bad, evil and wrong from DMC2. Enemies are perfect; the balance between long range and short range attackers is second to none, although there are a couple of standard OMG-not-this-one-again enemies that have become something of a staple of the Devil May Cry series. To be honest, though, their placement is sparse; this is good because it allows you to make full use of the vastly improved combo system. This is easily the most intricate combat system ever devised by Capcom. Every move feels fluid and, while simple freeform combos are easy to pull off, getting masterful displays of whoop-ass to shine from Dante’s every orifice takes many, many hours of practise.

   In the newer Special Edition, you are given the option to play as Vergil, Dante’s brother and arch-rival. This is the single best thing to happen to this game since it was given the green light. Vergil is truly a godsend and I’m actually having more fun learning to play as him that I am kicking ass with Dante at the moment. It’s a welcome new learning curve and he plays just as well as Dante does. If there is one negative about playing as Vergil is that it seems like a wasted opportunity for a more in depth look at his story. All you do is play through Dante’s levels with a different character. All the cutscenes are omitted which is a shame because it would have been funny to see Vergil insulting himself several times during the game.

   I’ve heard a lot about the difficulty of the game too, to the point where it became one of the game’s biggest selling points. Buy this game for the ultimate challenge outside of old NES games, I was told. I was not disappointed. I died a grand total of twenty-four times against Hell Vanguard in Mission Two the first time I played it and the amount of time I got my ass handed to me by Vergil in all of his fights was obscene. However I persevered because this game actually gets you pumped rather than pissed off when you die. You just want to dive into that fight again and again. I have now kicked Vergil’s ass many a time just because it feels so good to do it. Then I moved onto hard mode and was stunned by the increase in difficulty again, although at least this time I had some experience under my belt, so I wasn’t owned quite as much. I think now most of the difficulty comes from the awkward camera. I mean, it was good for its time but it just can’t quite keep up with the fast paced action. It seems like the cameraman had had a rough night before he came in for work.

   The story in DMC3 is also better than in previous games in my opinion (although that really isn’t saying much being as the last couple of plotlines were basically, go there and kill that because I told you to). It sees a younger Dante trying to find his brother, who happens to want to use the power of their father to gain immense power. However there are a few twists and turns which, predictable as they are, I won’t spoil for you. Dante grows a lot more over the course of this story than he does in other games although this doesn’t happen until the last few missions which makes the marked difference in his personality a little throwing. The pacing is usually quite good and the dialogue written for the characters is better than normal for a Capcom game, although there are a few …somewhat strange lines, one being, and I quote, “Right now my soul is saying it wants to STOP YOU!” …Yeah. Okay, Dante, whatever you say. *pats head*

   The graphics in the game are, for the era, quite good, not so much in cutscenes (shovel to the face) but during play they are exquisite (in that they won’t distract you because they’re just that bad). However one thing is brought to mind that constantly breaks immersion for me. Dante really needs a better dentist. Honestly, in some of the cutscenes his teeth are so dark not even light can escape their not-so-shiny surface. That’s about all I have to say on graphics; they’re not brilliant but you won’t notice a lot wrong with them either.

  A special mention should be made, I think, for the motion capture crew. They did a wonderful job of getting Dante and Vergil looking like real people. Parts to look out for in particular are:

The first cutscene of Mission Two, when Dante is turning around to inspect his shop after he sneezes and it falls down.

Any fight scene with Vergil in it. They. Are. Insane.

   Of course, a DMC game would be a DMC game without heavy metal music and this one is no exception. Personally, I think this is one of the best tracks to play during intense fights ever. It is also the only music outside of the Final Fantasy series to earn a place on my Ipod. High praise indeed.

   In conclusion DMC3 is an absolute gem of a game, and one I will play for years to come. If you don’t own it yet, fix that. NOW!

Inner Monologue of SixString on Holiday

2 am:

   Holy crap, 2 am is far too early to be getting out of bed. Why the hell do all the planes I fly on seem to only leave at an ungodly hour? I’m a good person, why can’t they be later. … Hello? Well maybe I was asking a little too much. Better get moving, don’t want to miss that flig-

3 am:

   Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap!

4 am:

   Okay, I’m on schedule. Not eating, grabbing a coffee, showering or changing out of my pyjamas really helped cut down on time. I am truly a modern genius. Like Einstein. I wonder what I would look like with hair like his. One things for sure; I’d be a damn sight sexier. I can pull off any style at all because I’m so great. That must be why people are pointing and laughing in awe of my awesome pyjama-sneaker combo.

   But enough of that. Remember what your driving instructor taught you. Never call, visit or communicate with me again and you can have your license… and keep your damn eyes on the road idiot. EEEEARRRRGHHHHHHH! Those words I will remember forever. RIP Mr Instructor. Good thing I was sleeping with the head of that driving school or wouldn’t be the responsible, licensed driver I am today. CRAP PEDESTRIAN, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY IDIOT! DON’T YOU KNOW THE LITTLE GREEN MAN MEANS “ALIENS CROSSING SO MOW THEIR WRINKLY ASSES DOWN”! Thank god for me helping that guy understand road signs. I’m like Superman for road safety. How far to the airport?

6 am:

   Finally here. Now to find a place to park…

11 am:

   Stupid traffic warden. “No sir, stacked parking doesn’t mean what you think it does. You can’t park your car on top of another one.” It’s not my fault I thought he was challenging me. Anyway, now to get rid of this luggage and get my boarding pass. This definitely shouldn’t take to lon- Oh. My. God.

   That line must be a mile long! Come on there are, like, ten other windows that could be open. It’s a conspiracy I tell you. You being me you spectacular specimen. Opening those other windows would solve everything. I should run this airport. I’d be great at it because I’m good at management and motivation. Yes, people always have to work harder when I’m around. Hmm, why isn’t this line moving? Who’s at the front? Great. An elderly couple who are arguing about their places. Like that isn’t totally cliché. ARRRGGG. JUST TAKE THE WINDOW SEAT. I DON’T CARE IF YOU HAVE BLADDER PROBLEMS. STOP DRINKING COPIOUS AMOUNT OF THAT SKANKY BOVRIL THEN!

11:30 am:

   Thank god I’m finally at the front. Right can I have my boarding pass please? What do you mean I’ve missed my flight? YOU ALL SUCK! No don’t call security maybe we can talk this out. Yes, that’ll do; transfer me. I’m sure Ibiza can live without me for another day.

3 pm:

   Oohh gift shop.

4 pm:

   Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap!

4:05 pm:

   Phew, made it. Now to be off on my holiday. It starts here on the plane, where I can stretch out and-and-what do you mean 3^rd class? I paid for a 1^st class ticket dammit! Urgh, can this get any worse. Be calm. Remember; you are awesome. There that put a smile on my face.

   Row 27, Seat B. Here it is. Ah cool a window seat where the view isn’t obstructed by the wing. Things are finally looking up. Ha, look at that fat guy, last on means everyone hates you. Oh crap. Last on a fully booked flight and nobody is sitting next to me. No. NOOOOOOO. Gah, body odour and cheap cologne.

5 pm:

   What was that? Aw, I was just having the best dream. A big vivid image of me…nude. Is that a baby crying? Yes, yes it is. Stupid babies; always either crying or pooping. I suppose it could be worse. It could be pooping. Or crying and pooping. Quiet you fool you’ll jinx it. Man, I’m uncomfortable; I should have paid half-price for this ticket, what with the amount of the seat I’m actually using. Heh, I’m so witty. I should be a comedian. Wait, have I been staring at that baby the whole time? Look at the woman, did she notice? Yeah, she noticed, that’s a funny look on her face. Crap, I hope she doesn’t think I’m a- what’s she doing? Pressing the cabin call button; yep, she thinks I’m a paedophile. Hey idiot, look away!

   Oh thank god. She only wanted to get a pillow. Hopefully to smother that baby. NO, bad SixString. No more of that, the police said that was a no-no. Get back to sleep.

6 pm:

   YES! The plane is landing. Finally I can get to land of sun, sea and- pilot announcement- the weather outside is stormy, rain is predicted for the next week, and because of the lightning we’re going to have to spend the next three hours in the air. Thank you for travelling with Ryan Air.

   Well ****.

SixString on Splinter Cell: Conviction

   Splinter Cell: Conviction is the latest money-spinner in the long, long Splinter Cell series and, once again the front of the box is generously splattered by the name Tom Clancy; which confuses me because he has about as much to do with the games as a penis does to a bagel in that the vague idea is present but very little else.
   I suppose the first and most noticeable thing about Conviction is it's main character, Sam Fisher. He seems to have become several times more bad-ass in the last four years, talking in a spectacularly gravelly voice I could only attribute to several years (four in fact) of smoking large quantities of stone-ground tobacco with the stones left in. Speaking of big character changes, since when did Sam Fisher splice his DNA with a spider-monkey? He can climb up literally any wall that has even the smallest handhold - but for some reason not up particularly high pavements - and hold the position indefinitely. It's like he has the robo-grip of Ellen and the stamina of Don Juan.

   The story is actually OK for a Splinter Cell game but the main problem I have with it is it needn't be there in the first place. At the start of the game Sam is pursued by soldiers sent by the main villain. This wouldn't be such a problem but the fact that soldiers were sent after him was the only reason that he got involved. This makes the villain the worst bad guy ever. Tip number one, NEVER BRING IN SUPER BAD-ASS HEROES IF YOU CAN HELP IT.

Yeeaaahh...

   Speaking of stupid bad guys, the AI in this game could be somewhat improved. The only time I've had so many guys run straight past me was in that one bar my friend took me to ... I'm really not. But really, this is one of the most wealthy places in the world and they couldn't afford soldiers that had even one gorm. I was disappointed because the game was boasted to have very clever AI. Personally, I prefer consistent AI that doesn't spend half it's time condemning me to failure by executing a perfect pincer manoeuvre only to lose track of me as soon as I jump up onto the nearest overhead pole.
   Which is another gripe I have with Conviction. Sam Fisher seems to have some serious disease which stops him from jumping unless there is pole directly overhead. This can be a big problem when Sam decides he can't get up a small ledge which could be easily traversed by a elderly sloth. Honestly, what with all the athleticism Fisher displays combined with a distinct abundance of free buttons on the controller a jump button would have been quite useful.
   The main aspect of any Splinter Cell games is of course the stealth, and Conviction certainly doesn't disappoint. Despite the somewhat inconsistent AI, stealth is actually made very fun and I feel like a true bad-ass stalking a guy for ages before taking him and his friends out before they know what hit them. A particularly successful ambush for me went as follows:
   Using tactics such as shooting bullets just past the head of the enemy and making noises near them I lured five guys into one room. I hid on a rafter in said room. I marked two of them then quickly shot two of them dead before dropping down and snapping the neck of the third guy. By doing a hand-to-hand kill I unlocked the "Mark and Execute" feature which basically lets you insta-kill all marked enemies in range. I used this to full effect here and left the room silently. Another equally fun version of that ambush had me fill the room with explosives, shut the guys in the room then detonate the bombs while walking away slowly because cool guys don't look at explosions, they blow stuff up and then they walk away.
   Overall, I really quite liked this game because, although it is filled with obvious holes and there is a lot wrong with it it is still one of the best stealth games out there. Mostly because it doesn't fail you the first time you get seen like you're some kind of rabbit caught in the headlights. The headlights being several flashing guns.

SixString on Fallout: New Vegas

   Really Bethesda? You really felt the need to release this expansion pack for £40 pounds and on another disc instead of the agreed upon method of releasing it on Xbox Live for £10. Your need to be different displeases me. However the joke's on you. I only paid £15 after trading in Fable 3. A worthy sacrifice in my opinion, because this game is truly a diamond in the rough. I can't tell you how much I wanted to hate this game so I could blast it mercilessly while gleefully sucking the dick of Fallout 3. Unfortunately, this game is really excellent. But nobody likes it when I'm being nice about things so let the ripping begin!
   I'm going to start with the one thing everyone will notice; the graphics. They are really the main reason that New Vegas feels like a large expansion pack. In two years Bethesda still hasn't managed to change the fact that everyone you meet looks like they've taken more than a couple of shovels to the face in their time. Also, the texture pop-in is back with a vengeance. Sometimes you can't tell whether that is indeed a building you're looking at or an oddly shaped rock...with a door in it.
   The story is very strange in that it is both barely there and also completely impenetrable. I just didn't give a crap about the guy who shot my character in the head and buried me in a shallow grave. I was far too busy picking wildflowers and capping raiders in the genitals to bother with that. Now, I can't really give a full review of the story as I haven't actually finished it yet due to my drastic underestimation of how long it would take me. Let's just say I don't care about the story and you probably won't either. That's not to say you won't care about your character. Despite him having the depth and charisma of damp toilet paper, you really want him (or her) to succeed.
   The main reason I haven't completed yet is because of the exploration factor. You see, I hated this game up until about halfway through the first main story mission (which is a few hours long). I got up to a certain point and the difficulty curve went up so fast it had a freaking overhang. This forced me to explore to gain levels. I then became so enthralled with it that I didn't complete that mission until I could breeze through it without dying once.
   This is one of the main problems with Fallout in general. While you're at a low level prepare to die again and again and again. This is where exploration comes in... unless you can't find a decent path to take in which case you'll either be poisoned by Radscorpions, sliced up like a prison inmate by Deathclaws or killed to death by the various raiders and mutated animals. You see the game pretends to be extremely open ended and it achieves this to some extent but really it closes you in to one path by placing hard to kill enemies on each side of you.
   My main gripe about the exploration though is the sheer length of time it takes to find enemies. In Fallout 3 I couldn't go 30 seconds without finding enemies to chew on my bullets. In Fallout New Vegas this is completely reversed. Now I can wander around for 10 minutes without finding a single enemy to kill. I loved hunting down enemies and putting them down with a single bullet to the head. Admittedly making enemies few and far between adds some realism to the game but really how realistic can a post-apocalyptic game where the Americans and Russia nuked China and vice-versa be?
   On the subject of realism, there's a new mode in New Vegas called Hardcore Mode. This means you have to sleep, eat and drink to live, healing packs take longer to heal you, you have to pay doctors to heal crippled limbs and (get this) ammo has weight, but the components of ammo doesn't. For a game mode that's supposed to make the game harder this was a blunder. It means a savvy gamer can take his excess ammo and break it down into it's original parts, then rebuild it later when needed to reduce his weight. It seems like an afterthought added by one of the developers. Imagine this if you will, one developer thought, "I know, I'll add in a mode that makes the game even more needlessly realistic." The thing was that not all the other developers agreed so this one lonely developer had to add it in secretly at night. However, just as he was adding in the finishing touches the other developers walked in and, like a teenager caught watching porn, quickly shut it down unfinished.
   This streak of unfinished-ness is present throughout the game. There are enough glitches to cause Y2K every year for the next millennium. Bear with me for a second. You're walking through the wasteland, minding your own business when suddenly and inexplicably you start losing health at a horrendous rate. You look around wildly, trying to see who hates you that much. You see a red dot on your radar and follow it until you're practically on top of it but you still can't see your enemy. Then you die, and the camera pans to who killed you. Some little sniper rifle wielding fucker floating 3000 feet in the air. This isn't the worst one though. You don't know annoyance until you've spent 3 hours exploring and gathering loot only to have the game decide to freeze on you. To be fair though the devs did try to combat this by auto-saving VERY regularly, though this just leaves one wondering, if you did that then why didn't you just fix the bugs?
   Anyway the sound in the game is very good, the various radio stations you can get offer quite diverse styles of music. Of course, the real genius is that it doesn't interfere with gameplay. It's subtle, ambient, angelic and ... I'm slipping back into liking this game again.
   But this is always going to happen, because I can't hold it back. I love this game, I think that despite all the glitches and issues it has it deserves to be a game in it's own right. I recommend Fallout: New Vegas.
   This has been SixString, thanks for visiting.

A note to all budding supervillains

In my years as an advisor to various villainous overlords I have gleaned many tips from their failures. Not to say that it was my fault they failed, of course, it was their decision to ignore me. Anyway I have compiled the five worst mistakes committed by villains and villainesses (we believe in equality here in Evilocorp.)


5. NEVER bring heroes to attention of your plans.


Seriously, this may sound obvious, but never tell known heroes your plans for world domination. If they know then you have practically no chance of winning. You should know better by now and yes I'm looking at you Final Fantasy.
As side note, I've recently heard some retard of a corporation actually attacked a well-known bad-ass and brought him into knowledge of their plans even though he didn't know anything about it to begin with.


4. Employ your own architect.


The forth worst mistake I see by wannabe overlords is making their evil lair far too easy to enter. It seems like Dracula just threw random staircases around and added dead-ends and rooms that went nowhere at all for kicks. This was very confusing which would be good and work in the Counts favour had he actually needed it. Seriously, if you don't need staircases to reach your lair then don't put them in. You can fly for crying out loud. Remember, if your enemy can't reach your fortress, your enemy can't kill your ass...tress.


3. Remember, you get what you pay for.


If you pay jack for your guards then don't expect them to be the brightest candles on the stand. Honestly, I've seen Disney cartoons smarter than some of the guards employed by overlords. In what universe is it considered a good idea to take cover behind barrels filled with high explosive. And how much intelligence does it take to realise that the guy your standing next to -you know, the one with the bar code on his head- probably wasn't employed by your faithful leader. It's like they've been pulled straight from the Big Brother house.


2. Cut out the middle-man.


If your can just head off and kill the fledgling hero before he gets too strong early, you'll save yourself a lot of trouble. Alternatively, if doing it yourself just isn't an option, don't for Gods sake send small waves of enemies at regular intervals, each at an appropriate level to the hero. Send an army of a thousand, two if possible, to completely obliterate your enemy. This brings me on to...


1. Never leave business unfinished.


This is it. The number one mistake I've seen made by villainous peoples. Don't throw your enemy out of a plane or off a bridge. Just don't do it. Don't take it for granted that your enemy is dead because nine times out of ten this WILL come back and bite you in the ass. Even if you've put a bullet into the head off him or her, check they are dead first. Put another few bullets in. Check for a pulse. Anything. Just make sure he is bloody well good and dead before advancing in your plans.


Well there you have it. My top five hints for becoming a successful supervillain. Go forth and slaughter innocents like never before!

SixString on Film Trends

   Today I have decided to talk about recent trends in film that have really gotten up my arse, er … nose. SHUT UP I’M NOT GAY! Anyway, after watching some old favourite films of mine from various eras I couldn’t help but notice some rather glaring trends. For example, have you ever noticed that the villains in various films from the 70’s and 80’s, most notably Bond films, are either Russian or some form of dastardly evil super-villain in miniature form (and commonly both) however while presumably the latter is just to see how long the current Bond can keep a straight face, the former is actually on the point I’m talking about which is that villains in films tend to reflect very directly the current affairs of that particular country. So the reason the villains from the 70’s and 80’s are Russian is because of the trouble we had with those pesky rascals. It seems to be some kind of confusing propaganda aimed at the couch potatoes of the world which seems to me rather pointless because, as advertised in the name ‘couch’-potato, they won’t bloody move anyway. This brings me almost neatly onto the end of this over elongated point (har de bloody har that’s what she said etc now if we can be mature for longer than two seconds). Films, particularly American films today tend to show Islamic terrorists or the general Middle-East as villains and this really irks me because in my opinion you in particular America would be well-advised to not depict the people of the Middle-East as monsters as it really doesn’t help with international relations now does it? At this point I would like to say that I harbour no particular grudge against America or its people just in case this does go viral and you people start threatening to shoot me with your boomstick.

   Another trend in film that has annoyed me enough for me to see fit to unleash my mighty keyboard of wrath upon it is 3-D. Yes, 3-D, the holy grail of immersive movies. Or at least it would be if it actually worked. I not so recently saw Clash of the Titans in 3-D and if I may say so from what I can remember the 3-D pretty much looked no different to the 2-D and I was to immersed as a submarine is to intercontinental flights (yes that comparison went downhill, try not to think about it). In fact I can honestly say the film was better once I took the 3-D glasses off despite the fuzzy screen giving me a headache strong enough to blow every part of my brain and its dog through my left nostril with every throb. But maybe this isn’t entirely the fault of the 3-D which brings me about as neatly as possible to my next point.

   Story-telling in films seems not so much to have gone downhill as gleefully jumped off a cliff like it had the self-preservation instincts of a drunken lemming on a mixture of LSD and failure. Whereas storylines of the past were fed to you with a silver spoon from a golden platter of deliciousness (yes I was very hungry at the time of writing thanks for asking) todays storylines feel more like they are being drip fed into you via a rusty needle from a mixture of blended excrement, sweaty gym socks and used condoms. That is to say, BADLY. Of course it isn’t fair to tar all films with the same brush so this entry to my online journal (I refuse to call it a blog because blog sounds like a particularly bad monster from Doctor Who and oh shit I’ve lost my train of thought)… WAIT ITS BACK! This entry to my online journal isn’t meant to declare to the world that I am a vacuous black hole of perpetual despair; I’ll wait a couple more posts when you’re all comfortable with me to do that. No, it’s just meant to say that I think the film industry has slipped in its quality of movie making, but that isn’t funny so I’ll just focus on ripping on the shortcomings. In conclusion, generic closing comment.

Wow, you've got a very clean inbox!

Well friends, it's finally here. Proof that even Microsoft is getting sick of it's customers having no lives.

"What," I hear you exclaim, "Microsoft denying itself the opportunity to line it's pockets with my money? Impossible!" (Yes I know this is a free service but... shut up.)

Well to you sirs I say nay. You see, recently when I logged on to check my e-mails I was surprised to find this message greeting me.

If you can't read the writing I'm very sorry (and I mean that sincerely). Also, OPEN YOUR F***ING EYES, phew, I needed that fix.

Anyway, I can't help but think that this is not very subtle hint that you have no friends and should probably go out and get some. It seems very patronising, like it's talking to the mentally challenged son of a particularly stupid monkey or perhaps Wayne Rooney. Also, it feels like it's trying to be very passive-aggressive, like your mother walking into your veritable Batcave of a bedroom, drawing open the curtains and, as your skin sizzles in the glow of the natural light, telling you that, "Maybe you should go out and get some fresh air, dear."

What's that Microsoft? Are you saying that even you are bored with my constant presence? Tell me I have no friends, will you? Make me out to be the cynical misanthrope dare thee? Just because it's true doesn't mean you have to say it. I thought what we had was special, Microsoft. DON'T ABANDON ME!

But I have a very cunning plan to battle this my friends, I created a secondary account and sent an e-mail to myself. HA, who has no life now Microsoft? Yeah, that'll learn ya.

SixString on Fable 3

Fable 3 is, as you’ve probably guessed by the decidedly apt name, the third instalment of the Fable series and I must say now that Mr Molyneux has rather outdone himself, though this isn’t really a particularly bold statement as the previous game was, in comparison to the first, shite. However, the afore mentioned Big Pete has outwardly admitted this and attributed it to schoolboy errors on his part in a way proving further that outlining the fact that one cocked up does not excuse the fact that one did indeed cock up. However, while the survival instincts of a lemming P-dog may have it has not stopped him from gleefully shooting thick sticky wads of hype onto his new game with the ruthless vigour of the last man on earth after having wolfed a jumbo rhino horn and tiger penis smoothie and some of these features work, the Sanctuary system being a particularly engaging way to go about managing your game and despite it being intolerably slow at some points I found the 3D surroundings a fun new experience. However most of the new or revamped features in the game have either been completely unnecessary- in the case of the weapon development for example; a polished turd that I will come onto shortly- or decidedly unre-vamped; with most actually seeming to be worse than in Fable 2. For example the combat system.

The combat system in Fable 3 seems to have been designed to infuriate the player. The most fun element in previous Fable games was peeling away the faces of your enemies with a sword that wouldn't look out of place in a Se7en most painful plastic phallus competition, but this has been removed and instead you are given a rather bland looking sword which serves only to discourage you from using it. Not that you'd want to anyway because the melee combat is so crap that you are practically forced to use the most game-breaking element of the combat. Magic has become so drastically overpowered that you almost feel guilty about sliding your thumb over the B button, otherwise known as the big red nuclear bomb of death button. This was supposed to be balanced by having to charge up spells but once you've spent a trivial amount of the games levelling currency, Guild Seals, this is sidestepped entirely and the most powerful spells can be charged in a matter of nanoseconds, rendering any other weapon useless. Of course, destroying hyperquadrabolillions of enemies at a time might be fun if the spells didn't end up being quite so monotonous. Sure, watching several fat munchkins all of whom resemble the biscuit they are so clearly named after spin around and die in a tornado of flames is entertaining the first few times but when you are forced to do it again and again it becomes an experience akin to eating damp cardboard.

"But why are you forced to use magic," I hear you cry, "surely the other weapons can't be that bad?" This may be so and once you play the game for a few hours some new more interesting weapons become available, however the real problem lies not in the weapon design but in the controls, which were supposed to be simple enough to allow supreme accessibility; which would be fine if they actually worked but it seems that your hero - imaginatively named Hero - has to fill out a permission form then wait for 4-6 weeks for clearance in between the act of pressing the melee attack button and our 'Hero' actually bloody attacking. As you can imagine this causes several moments of frustration particularly when I try to dismember a shambling skeleton only to discover that that the skinless halfwit can actually swing it's weapon faster than me meaning that I end up with a face full of steel sharpened by the hatred of a thousand years of burial. BUT WAIT. It's not just one face full of hatred-sharpened steel, it's about fifteen because the first face-peeling leaves you in a stun-lock only marginally too long to recover and dodge roll before several other shambling lumps of cannon fodder leave you looking like Frankenstein's monster only with more scars.

On the other hand the guns in Fable 3 are actually remarkable good, one particular favourite movement of mine being to shoot an enemy over my shoulder then turning and really messing up his day with - and this is where I jump gleefully back to the first hand like Batman on speed -  a fireball to the face. And that's the main problem with guns, they are good and can kill things well but why would you press one button several times to kill one thing when you can kill several more things at the same time many times faster by pressing one different button once.

It's not as if the game makes doing this any prettier than in previous games, in fact if anything it's less pretty because although the graphics are marginally superior to Fable 2 the world has been infested with bland looking factories filled with equally bland child labourers and adult labourers...so... labourers, SHUT UP. And though there are some nice looking places - for example Millfields - to run through, unfortunately running through is exactly what you will be doing because no major quests happen in these places; forcing you stick with the dull greys and occasionally (wait for it) browns, of the industrial areas. The general excuse for this lack of inherent Fable-ness is that the story is supposed to be grittier than previous Fables but not only is this utter bullshit as the so called grit happens to be on equal terms with a grandmother being hit on the head with a Frisbee it is also completely laughable. Adding grit to a Fable game is like adding grit to the surface of your bed; it may be a new and interesting experience but it is by no means a particularly pleasant or appealing one either.

Anyway, now we come on to the polished turd of weapon morphing that I mentioned earlier, a little less shortly than specifically mentioned but what the who it’s your time I’m wasting and for all I know you hate me with the white hot intensity of a thousand burning suns so SCREW YOU. Ahem, the weapon morphing was gleefully gushed by the P-Man being one of the most unique features in the game even being stated on the box as letting you create a weapon unique to you. Now I was fairly excited by this prospect as I wanted every scummy Hobbe I put six feet under to add another notch to my rapidly growing blade- there’s a psychotic knob joke in there somewhere but beats me if I can find it- however this turned out to not be so; much to my disappointment but not really surprise. You see at any time you have the option to go to the games levelling system from the pause menu. This ‘Road to Rule’ as it’s called is split into many sections each filled with chests. Now as you unlock said chests using Guild seals you unlock abilities and the ones I’m really talking about now are the weapon damage upgrades. If a realisation isn’t hitting you like a ton of bricks right now then either you have skipped ahead to specifically this point in the review or you have been drooling mindlessly into your keyboard for the past few minutes due to a significant lack of mental capacity to both read and keep your saliva in your mouth. Yes, the real way this ‘unique weapon morphing’ occurs is when you get the weapon upgrade which puts a small adjustment onto your blade or gun based on a random achievement you may (or may not, in my experience) have ‘achieved’ and I put achieved in massive inverted commas because the only justification required for example the black weapon colour for killing wolves is for you to kill one wolf. This results in a weapon that is to unique what Slipknot is to jaunty ragtime tunes.

Another feature of Fable 3 that seems to be put in only to piss off the player further would be the ridiculous amount of pathetically trivial side-quests that are rendered even more redundant by the simple fact that the only real reward they give- the levelling currency Guild seals- are so piss easy to obtain in much more fun ways that the only way you would complete them all is that you are in fact the only person in the universe to enjoy obnoxious amounts of fetch quests or you are the very worst kind of completionist; the kind to doggedly pursue even the most trivial of achievements; speaking of which, an achievement is one such thing you most certainly do not get from completing every quest so what’s the bloody point?

The greatest feature in Fable was the ability to continue the game after the actual end credits which was always fun, as being an evil bastard with the best weapons was an infinitely more attractive proposal than attempting to be an evil bastard when even simple guards could hand your ass to you on a silver platter, much to the delight of the townspeople and damage of your ego. Fable 3 takes this to a new level with the ability to become king and gain full control of the kingdom when you dethrone your brother *spoilers* Har-de-har-de-har just kidding this was probably the most advertised feature in the game pre-release and I must say it is a very intriguing idea. Intriguing in the same way that seeing a white-topped dog shit is intriguing because it just seems like a cop-out to disguise the fact that the writer couldn't find an adventure epic or indeed long enough for Albion's newest Hero. And it's not as if you even get "full control" of your kingdom because you are just given a list of arbitrary choices with good, evil or 'middle-ground' options. For example one such choice is to lower taxes, raise them or keep them the same. The problem with this is there are really only two options and with this we come onto the reason I put middle-ground in inverted commas; if you choose the middle-ground option and keep taxes the same the choice is just as unpopular as choosing to raise taxes except if you raise taxes you actually gain money. So one might ask why even put a middle-ground option in anyway and the answer to this question is simple; if they hadn't put it in then people like me would have blasted the 2D moral system for only giving me a straight choice between purely good or purely evil. Thus I am infuriated by the middle-ground option as it proves that the developers have been able to read me like a book and still mess up what were essentially my ideas ... shut up they were.

Strangely enough, I am curiously entertained by this game and I found myself wanting to play to the end right from the start and even after you become king - technically the worst part of the game - it still invites you to play it simply because you want to see how it ends and despite the lack of the promised moral grey areas that surface a grand total of perhaps once over the game the moral choices can be quite involving (with exception of one at the start of the game where you must choose to execute either your childhood friend-I assume as there is no mention that they even really know each other- or a bunch of revolting peasants. The problem being that the actual difficulty in choosing which I should kill came only because I had about the same attachment to each as I would a ham sandwich) any way back to my actual point the moral choices are quite involving especially as choosing either one or the other will actually change the look of the game world which has been promised by so many other games that failed to deliver and so I feel that in the interest of fairness I should probably give this game a decent rating or risk being punched repeatedly in the balls by the hypocrisy hating people of the world. That is to say, YOU.

This has been Zach 'SixString' Sivell, thanks for visiting. :)