Inner Monologue of SixString on Holiday

2 am:

   Holy crap, 2 am is far too early to be getting out of bed. Why the hell do all the planes I fly on seem to only leave at an ungodly hour? I’m a good person, why can’t they be later. … Hello? Well maybe I was asking a little too much. Better get moving, don’t want to miss that flig-

3 am:

   Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap!

4 am:

   Okay, I’m on schedule. Not eating, grabbing a coffee, showering or changing out of my pyjamas really helped cut down on time. I am truly a modern genius. Like Einstein. I wonder what I would look like with hair like his. One things for sure; I’d be a damn sight sexier. I can pull off any style at all because I’m so great. That must be why people are pointing and laughing in awe of my awesome pyjama-sneaker combo.

   But enough of that. Remember what your driving instructor taught you. Never call, visit or communicate with me again and you can have your license… and keep your damn eyes on the road idiot. EEEEARRRRGHHHHHHH! Those words I will remember forever. RIP Mr Instructor. Good thing I was sleeping with the head of that driving school or wouldn’t be the responsible, licensed driver I am today. CRAP PEDESTRIAN, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY IDIOT! DON’T YOU KNOW THE LITTLE GREEN MAN MEANS “ALIENS CROSSING SO MOW THEIR WRINKLY ASSES DOWN”! Thank god for me helping that guy understand road signs. I’m like Superman for road safety. How far to the airport?

6 am:

   Finally here. Now to find a place to park…

11 am:

   Stupid traffic warden. “No sir, stacked parking doesn’t mean what you think it does. You can’t park your car on top of another one.” It’s not my fault I thought he was challenging me. Anyway, now to get rid of this luggage and get my boarding pass. This definitely shouldn’t take to lon- Oh. My. God.

   That line must be a mile long! Come on there are, like, ten other windows that could be open. It’s a conspiracy I tell you. You being me you spectacular specimen. Opening those other windows would solve everything. I should run this airport. I’d be great at it because I’m good at management and motivation. Yes, people always have to work harder when I’m around. Hmm, why isn’t this line moving? Who’s at the front? Great. An elderly couple who are arguing about their places. Like that isn’t totally cliché. ARRRGGG. JUST TAKE THE WINDOW SEAT. I DON’T CARE IF YOU HAVE BLADDER PROBLEMS. STOP DRINKING COPIOUS AMOUNT OF THAT SKANKY BOVRIL THEN!

11:30 am:

   Thank god I’m finally at the front. Right can I have my boarding pass please? What do you mean I’ve missed my flight? YOU ALL SUCK! No don’t call security maybe we can talk this out. Yes, that’ll do; transfer me. I’m sure Ibiza can live without me for another day.

3 pm:

   Oohh gift shop.

4 pm:

   Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap!

4:05 pm:

   Phew, made it. Now to be off on my holiday. It starts here on the plane, where I can stretch out and-and-what do you mean 3^rd class? I paid for a 1^st class ticket dammit! Urgh, can this get any worse. Be calm. Remember; you are awesome. There that put a smile on my face.

   Row 27, Seat B. Here it is. Ah cool a window seat where the view isn’t obstructed by the wing. Things are finally looking up. Ha, look at that fat guy, last on means everyone hates you. Oh crap. Last on a fully booked flight and nobody is sitting next to me. No. NOOOOOOO. Gah, body odour and cheap cologne.

5 pm:

   What was that? Aw, I was just having the best dream. A big vivid image of me…nude. Is that a baby crying? Yes, yes it is. Stupid babies; always either crying or pooping. I suppose it could be worse. It could be pooping. Or crying and pooping. Quiet you fool you’ll jinx it. Man, I’m uncomfortable; I should have paid half-price for this ticket, what with the amount of the seat I’m actually using. Heh, I’m so witty. I should be a comedian. Wait, have I been staring at that baby the whole time? Look at the woman, did she notice? Yeah, she noticed, that’s a funny look on her face. Crap, I hope she doesn’t think I’m a- what’s she doing? Pressing the cabin call button; yep, she thinks I’m a paedophile. Hey idiot, look away!

   Oh thank god. She only wanted to get a pillow. Hopefully to smother that baby. NO, bad SixString. No more of that, the police said that was a no-no. Get back to sleep.

6 pm:

   YES! The plane is landing. Finally I can get to land of sun, sea and- pilot announcement- the weather outside is stormy, rain is predicted for the next week, and because of the lightning we’re going to have to spend the next three hours in the air. Thank you for travelling with Ryan Air.

   Well ****.