SixString on Call of Duty: Black Ops

   Hi guys it’s Zach ‘SixString’ Sivell here and, yes, it’s that time of year again. Time for Activision/Treyarch to cash in on the Call of Duty franchise just before Christmas arrives. Say what you like about it (and believe me, I will) they have a good idea of how to make money. The newest title is, for those of you living under a rock in Mars with your fingers in your ears, Call of Duty: Black Ops. A rather titillating title if nothing else because, as some of you will know, I am a massive fan of stealth, especially if it is done well. Unfortunately, this game doesn’t even try to give you stealth, let alone do it well. So… yeah; a title well-chosen there Treyarch, thumbs up for the effort, ruffles hair.

   The truth is that Call of Duty: Black Ops appears to be no different from any other COD game out there apart from the time period and this time Treyarch have finally managed to shuffle absent mindedly out from the shadow of the Second World War. This seems a little strange to me as World War 2 was undoubtedly the last war in which America were definitively the out-and-out ‘heroes’ instead of forcefully invading a country and slowly draining their resources until they’re forced to resort to eating each other to stay alive but whatever floats your boat Treyarch.

   In all honesty I’m glad they moved on from World War 2 because, and I know it’s been said a million times before by people older and wiser than me, it has been done to death. And then had its grave danced on by several marauding games companies eager to jump on the extremely profitable bandwagon. It might also be that games, the Call of Duty series in particular, have to stay fresh in order to sell… apparently; personally I believe Call of Duty would sell even if they had decided that you were now a soldier in the Chicken Armed Forces of the Egg Kingdom as long as you could shoot your fellow man/chicken in the face.

Oorah.

   Now, onto the actual gameplay. It’s basically the same as every other Call of Duty ever released and… this is actually a good thing, because it works very, very well. Much as I hate to admit it, Activision and Treyarch have perfected the art of creating the best control system for a shooter. Nothing to complain about here other than the previous point; IT’S ALL THE SAME.

   Now, the first thing I noticed in the game, much to my amusement, is the AI. It’s not bad, oh no, far from it. It’s absolutely bleeping brilliant. In fact, you can get through the entire first level without firing a single shot. This isn’t even on lower difficulties; I tried this on Hardened mode and still managed it. Veteran is more difficult but come on; this is without even firing my gun. It gives the distinct impression that you are just an insignificant piece of cannon fodder. Maybe this was the idea but somehow I don’t think so. Still, it’s extremely funny to watch your teammates charge into battle and actually come out on top instead of running back to you with their tails between their legs and a pleading look in their eyes.

   The story isn’t actually that bad either. In fact it might be the best offering Call of Duty has ever procured for our jaded minds. Or, rather, it would be if it didn’t jump around more than a rabbit on a moon bounce. I understand the need for it but… seriously? It could have been implemented better. Not a lot I can say really. Basically you assume the roles of several different members of various Special Forces and carry out CIA backed missions. That’s about all I care to say on the subject. It’s fresh but somehow vaguely familiar, oh wait, yeah, that’s because it’s COD. Can’t change much, wouldn’t want the fans to get their hands on something too original. Might give them the idea that we’ll do it on every COD.

   Moving on, you’ll be glad to know that Nazi Zombies has made it’s triumphant return to the COD series after a poor decision to leave it out of Modern Warfare 2. It is back under the new name, ‘Zombies’; presumably because it would have required a plot device thin enough to split the atom to get us back to Nazi era. What’s that? Kino Der Toten is back? Oh… well forget what I said then. But I kid. Zombies is back and fun as ever especially with, and I use this term as loosely as possible, friends. I say that because having three prepubescent males squeak about the various ways I was messing up their game doesn’t come across as particularly friendly to me. A favourite map of mine involves former President Richard Nixon, current President John F Kennedy, Fidel Castro and Robert McNamara fighting off the zombie horde with resounding cries of “Ahrooo” and “Your President needs slugs.” Is it me or does President Kennedy sound distinctly Mayor Quimby-ish? Meh, I could go on forever about zombies alone but I can’t. Mostly because I don’t have the patience and partly because I’m using hyperbole.

18 minutes? I mean, no Mr Frost, I earned all I have. Ahroo.

   Umm, what else needs to be mentioned? Ah yes, the multiplayer. Sigh. This is the gameplay comment all over again. It’s almost exactly the same but with various new embellishments which seem to be distinctly Halo: Reach-esque. Confused? Let me explain. The new COD points system is very similar to the credits system in Halo: Reach. Now, yes, I realise that this system would have been in place before Reach was released but Reach was released first, so the COD points system must play second fiddle and live with it. In fact the only difference I can spot between the two systems is that COD points don’t directly correspond to the experience you receive to level up. Of course there is the standard repertoire of new shiny guns that come with every new COD game but this has become so common now as to render the guns only mildly quaint, something to be taken in ones stride. The same applies to the new killstreaks. That’s literally about all I can say on the subject of multiplayer – OH WAIT! Ha ha, the online community. Yes, the faint air of hostility that seems to follow me from game to game has apparently managed to follow me across games once again. It seems to be almost inevitable now that I will be told by complete strangers that I am a noob and that I am a homosexual. One particular young soldier felt it his patriotic duty to serenade me with the various forms of sexual encounters he had had with my various family members. Feeling that this was clearly a chance for me to match wits with a worthy opponent, I told him that I had no other relatives because they were all dead and I was alone in the world. He was silent for a few moments then left the game. I had felled my adversary and so I gave a triumphant manly giggle. Yes, I am a terrible person, so sue me.

   Honestly, I don’t know why I’m reviewing this game because those of you that know about it know whether you’re going to get it or not and those of you that don’t know about it don’t exist so, for what it’s worth, here’s my two cents. Call of Duty: Black Ops is a wonderful example of what had been achieved three years ago when Call of Duty 4 was released. It is basically just another yearly cash-in so, if you like more of the same and want an online community that is full of people who blindly buy games because they’re there then by all means get this game. If, however, you want a game that shows originality and flair then for the love of god stay the hell away from COD 7. Get a game like Mass Effect or Shadow of the Colossus.